my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
