We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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