your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
