I will die if light touches me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
