Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Girls should come with a carfax report
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize