I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
