kristin has been a bad kristin
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
