Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
