so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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