When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
