I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
