So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
