I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
