Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
