I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So much rum. So many feels.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
