Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
