wakey wakey hands off snakey
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize