Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
