I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
