i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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