Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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