Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
