i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
