even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
