My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I bet he comes in French.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
