how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
