Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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