kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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