I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
