I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
