Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
