so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
