Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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