My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
