see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
