i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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