I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
