i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
