he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
