I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
