not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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