I haven't been this sober since birth.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
