I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
