Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
