This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I've blown a few things in my day
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
