I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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