everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
