Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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