Tell her she can't have a vagina
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize