What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
