woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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