I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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