yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
