We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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