So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
