you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My liver just broke up with me...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
