I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
