I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I wear drunk well.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
