so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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