And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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