So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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