Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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