And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
