Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
