last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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