My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
