If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
