Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
