Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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