Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
