The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
