I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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