When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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