Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
